I have tried to read Scott’s book Earth Mother Dreaming, but I’m afraid to try the activities or put effort into them in case they don’t work.  Not only effort but money is required to buy all the crystals etc and I am really not in a position to do this.  I’m really not all that interested in crystals and a lot of the information in the book.  Perhaps if I just look at it as information and I can do the activities at a later stage if I wish.  But then I feel like I am not really putting this new knowledge into practice and getting the benefit of healing myself.  All this new knowledge is a bit overwhelming and I think I would prefer to focus on my totem animals at this stage.  Perhaps I should just read the sections of the books that are relevant to animals and leave the rest until later.  It is a lot of trouble and expense to go to for something that doesn’t really resonate with me.  I can explore the crystals as they relate to the animals and the other information in the book later.  As I require it, I can seek it out.  I should concentrate my energies on putting together my animal totem journal.

Mum & I went to see Famous.  She was looking so thin and dirty when we found her.  I felt so sad.  We washed her and conditioned her mane & tail and she looked much better.  It felt good to do something nice for her.  I love her so much.  She has a sore tooth and the vet is coming to look at it.  I hope it won’t be the end.  But I don’t want her to suffer or starve either.  I have asked mum to talk to Steve  to prepare him for how she is going to die.  I hope they will get the vet out to give her an injection.  This is the most humane and dignified death.  I want her to have a peaceful, painless death.  I don’t want her to experience any fear.  She is such a beautiful horse, with such a good nature.  I was remembering the time when we first saw her.  Alex unveiled her and we were gobsmacked by her beauty.  She looked like a racehorse, all toned and shiny.  I couldn’t believe she was going to be mine.  I am so lucky to have had her in my life.  I am so fortunate that mum believes in me and thinks my dreams are important.  Those years caring for the horses were the happiest years of my life.

I am starting to fret at having nothing to do and at the same time dread everything I have to do.  I have to study.  I try to walk the dogs every day.  There is a lot of work in the garden to do – weeding my garden, trimming the trees and bushes, the vege garden to assemble.  I keep putting this off because it is too hot.  Mum is busy with school work and does not want to be disturbed.  Once my exam is over, I need to get stuck into the garden.  I have promised mum that I will help.  I need to trim the bushes next to my verandah, the lemon tree… I hate having pressure on me to do these things.  I suppose I should just get started, even if I don’t want to do it.  I should just do a bit for an hour or so each day.  The house is quite dirty.  The cleaner is coming on Australia Day (Jan 26th).  I will need to do the washing up.  I also need to change my sheets and get my doona dry cleaned.  I am glad I have a cleaner.  It makes life much easier.

My life is so boring.  I depend on mum too much for my entertainment.  I can’t even take the dogs for a walk without her.  I don’t particularly enjoy reading.  I am such a BLOB!  I have given up on my healthy eating program.  For lunch I have been having  - 2 slices of bread with avocado, mayonnaise, ham & tomato and now I am having 2 slices of bread with mayonnaise, cheese & tomato.  I haven’t dared to weigh myself, but I’m sure I must be almost 140 kg.  I’m tired of trying to motivate myself.  It’s such a losing battle.  I’m tired of there being nothing to do.  I’m sick of nagging mum to go for a walk.  She’s such a bore. She’s only interested in cerebral activities.  I should be able to go for a walk or a swim on my own.  Then I could please myself when I go and what I do.  My life consists solely of studying & walking dogs.  I need to take an interest in more things – reading, swimming, gardening…  I’m almost back at the stage of sleeping all the time.  What am I going to do?

I should give myself credit.  I have started walking more frequently.  But I need to go on my own.   Trying to motivate mum aswell as yourself only makes it more difficult.  Try to learn to enjoy your own company.  Don’t deliberate, just decide to go and do it!  I feel so depressed.  I just want to take to the bed and wallow.  Maybe I will try to read.  I need to break the lethargy cycle.  Mum’s a dead loss.  I must empower myself.  I really need to lose weight.  I really need to walk everyday.  I am going to weigh myself now… 139.7 kg.  Just as I thought.  I am going to half my lunch – 1 slice of bread with mayonnaise, cheese & tomato.   I am going to reduce the amount of mineral water & lime juice I drink and drink more water.  And I am going to walk everyday.  I must lose weight.  I am back to the heaviest I have ever been.  Perhaps the protein powder for breakfast isn’t helping either? I must do everything I can to lose weight.

I don’t know why I always feel that my life is somehow lacking?  It’s like I have this huge chip on my shoulder.  I think it is because of all the suffering I have experienced through my mental illness – the hospitalizations, the loss of identity & self-esteem, the poverty, the homelessness, the depression and lack of meaning…  These experiences all combine to form a sense of detachment, a unrelatedness to the everyday world, expressed in my feelings of depression, apathy and lethargy.  This sense of lack feels like a huge burden I carry within, muting my everyday experiences and nagging like a dull ache.  I long for meaning, for company and a sense of belonging.  My dream of travelling to Africa and seeing and working with the primates seems unreachable.  And yet I dare to dream…

I need to change my attitude towards life and somehow cultivate a sense of hope.  In my daily activities and lifestyle I need to experience joy and fulfillment, not succumb to the numbness and pain of the past – get involved with the vege garden, feel a sense of purpose when you are studying, read about primates for inspiration, get physically active around the garden, save money for travelling to Africa, take an interest in your life!   Do the things you want to do – like having an Animal Reading on your birthday!  Try to build a sense of security in your life, establish a foundation on which to create joy, meaning, purpose, fulfilment…  Don’t stay trapped in the emptiness and denial of your true potential.  I think my loss of my dream - my home on a rare farmlet and my horses,brought about my loss of soul or soul-loss.  This is well documented in shamanic literature and represents a severe trauma to the self.  While my exterior circumstances may have changed, I don’t think I have let go of the pain, loss and trauma I have experienced as a result of my illness over the last decade or so. 

I have had several soul retrievals in the past.  At the time of the initial trauma of losing the farm and my horses I had a soul-retrieval with Michelle MacEwan and also participated in a shamanic workshop.  The horse was my guide  and my connection with the horse was a powerful healing force in my life.  While I was living in a cabin in the Channon wilderness with my dog, I had another soul-retrieval with a Western Australian practitioner.  While these sessions were extremely helpful, I believe I have a lot of healing still to do.  If only I could lose the weight again and start to ride again.  I believe this would be the best way to regain connection to my essence, my true self.  I need to reread some of my shamanic books and explore this path.  Although I feel a deep sense of fear and caution about this after the death of my dog, Zoe, I also believe coming to terms with and respecting death is a necessary part of understanding this path.  I need to accept her death by understanding the necessity of freeing her from a life of suffering.  I need to work through this core wound perhaps by spending some quiet time meditating.  It is these experiences with my animals, more so than the hospitalizations and other painful experiences with mental illness that I need to work through.

The food situation is getting ridiculous.  Mum’s bizarre eating preferences are getting to be really ridiculous and what’s more I can’t stand eating meat.  I will cook a chick pea curry and have this with rice for one week.  I will have salmon & salad and vegetarian spaghetti or lasagna…  It will be so good to be able to eat what I like, even if this does mean I won’t be able to afford to save any money any more.  It also means I will have to make more of an effort cooking, shopping and washing up etc.  But it isn’t really fair that mum is 68 and still working full-time so she can pay off the mortgage and still be subsidising me.  She obviously resents this, even quoting Xmas & B’day presents she has paid for.  Perhaps I should pay for my own haircut & colour tomorrow and not go out to dinner for my B’day?

But if I pay $100 per fortnight for food, I won’t be able to afford to save up to get my car serviced, or go to the dentist or pay Aafke back…  I need to explain this to mum.  It is not the money she is complaining about, it is my lack of help around the garden and my unwillingness to cook every night.  I could save $45 a fortnight on the protein shake and maybe $20 on dog food if I changed brands.  It is in my interests to make the current arrangement work.  I will talk to mum and see what she has to say…

I have also been enjoying buying some new things – sneakers, swimming costume & dress, nighties and underpants.  While I wasn’t supposed to spend the advance that was earmarked for the dentist, it is nice to have some new things.  These new shoes will encourage me to walk and the swimming costume will encourage me to swim.  So in this sense, it was money well spent.  I so rarely buy new things for myself.  Mum is sponsoring a haircut & colour for my birthday.  I would like to maintain this and make more of an effort with my appearance.  I really need some new clothes.  I have so few clothes.  Perhaps I should look on the internet? I do try to layby clothes at BeMe when I see them, but perhaps I need to go to Brisbane on a shopping trip? If I could only lose weight and fit into some of my old clothes, that would be good.

I have been exercising more regularly with mum on holidays and today we went for a swim.  I only did 4 laps but I will increase this each time I go.  The Xmas pudding & mince pies are finished and I have been sticking to my eating plan mostly, apart from the occasional dessert.  I have started eating my breakfast earlier before I get up and then eating lunch when I get up.  This keeps me more in tune with normal mealtimes.  I haven’t been game to weigh myself for fear of not losing any weight.  Once I start exercising more regularly again, I will weigh myself.  I’m not sure if I am eating too much for lunch – 2 slices of bread with avocado, soy mayonnaise, ham & tomato.  Perhaps I should only have 1 slice and a piece of fruit?  I will start going to the greengrocer to get fresh fruit each fortnight.

I am in two minds about continuing with my studies in Environmental Science.  Part of me just wants to continue reading books about primates and focusing on my weight loss & exercise program.  I don’t feel fulfilled at the end of the day unless I have done some exercise.  The same goes for study.  Ideally, I should do some study and some exercise each day and that is all there is time for.  Perhaps I could try getting up earlier to read my primate books?  That way, it would not have to be all or nothing with the study.  I could have some time in the morning to relax and enjoy reading and still keep studying and exercising in the afternoon.  That way I would have something enjoyable to get up to everyday.  I will try getting up at 11.00am for starters.  I need to keep study in perspective.  I think I can manage the Ecology exam, but I am worried about the essay-writing in Global Environmental Issues.  I have written essays before.  It’s just a matter of learning the referencing system and reading the text.  At least there is no scientific report this time!

Keeping up my studies in Environmental Science (and French!) gives me a sense of purpose.  So many times before I have given up studying and become bored and depressed.  Studying gives me hope and a life purpose.  If I can complete the degree, then I will have a real opportunity to work in wildlife conservation.  It doesn’t matter how long it takes – 8 years and it doesn’t matter if that is all you do and you don’t volunteer in a zoo/wildlife sanctuary until you have completed the degree.  By keeping your life simple and not overburdening yourself is the best way to achieve success and to keep your illness under control.  If you can structure your time each day so that you have some time for pleasurable activities like reading, as well as studying and exercising, then this is the key to managing your illness, accomplishing your goals and realising your dream.

Danielle rang and was really abusive.  When I said I wished I had a life purpose she said that I am obese and therefore unemployable.  She has no compassion or insight into my condition.  I truly think she believes my weight problem is due to overeating and indulging myself with the wrong foods.  She is so self-righteous.  We are not able to engage in any form of friendly conversation at all.  Our conversation consists of her criticising me about my weight and the types of food I eat, the way I waste money on a cleaner or by owning a car.  She really can’t tolerate any form of weakness and for my part I am just looking to connect with her in some way.  She really thinks she is doing me a favour by ringing me  up.  I don’t even get annoyed with her cruelty and abuse any more I have just come to expect it.  I really should stand up to her and set the record straight or just ask her not to ring anymore.  It’s the same with dad.  When I said I was feeling depressed and tried to explain how my illness imposes so many limitations on my life, he said that he didn’t think my problems were caused by my illness.  He said he believed it was up to me to make the effort to change my life and overcome the problems. 

In a way he is right, but I have become so accustomed to my problems, I have learnt to live with them and come to accept them as part of the illness.  I have been really trying to accept the limited life I have, as a way of managing my illness.  To try to change my circumstances involves too much upheaval and stress.  I am able to exist here and lead a comfortable life in that I have my own accommodation, enough food, a car and I am able to repay my debts.  Perhaps I should look upon this time as time to repay my debts and to lose weight and regain my health.  I have been well for 2 years now.  This has been possible by not exposing myself to stress.  Even studying one subject at uni was becoming too stressful towards the end of last semester.  I am slowly plodding my way through uni.  I need to find out if it is possible to increase the completion time of the degree based on my mental health condition.  To gain this qualification would give me the opportunity to work with wildlife.  Although I will be nearing fifty if and when I complete the degree, it would still give me the chance to follow my dream.  Maybe then I could travel to Africa and volunteer with the chimpanzees?

There is several steps I could take to change my life: I could arrange an interview to volunteer at Currumbin Wildlife Sanctuary one day per week.  Or I could try again to volunteer at Alma Park Zoo.  Or maybe Australia Zoo one day per week or in a block of 2 – 4 weeks.  Ideally, I need to get 2 days or 20 hours a week so I can enrol in the zookeeping course at Richmond or Coffs Harbour.  Otherwise I need to save $6000 and apply to Taronga Zoo to do their zookeeping course with the possibility of working with the great apes in their collection.  I suppose in the interim, while I am repaying my debts and learning to manage my health, it would be best to get the voluntary work somewhere accessible from home, so as to reduce the stress of moving out of home and to enable me to continue to repay my debts.  I have $100 per fortnight that I can save towards my long-term goals of travel to Africa or Taronga zookeeping course.  Or I could use this to travel to Currumbin once a week and perhaps stay overnight to allow me to work 2 days a week.  If I spend my money on travel/ accommodation to Currumbin, I would not be able to save this money towards the zookeeping course/ Africa.  But I could get an advance from Centrelink of $500 – $1000 every 6 – 12 months and save this towards my long-term goals.  It would take me 6 years to save $6000.  The first advance was ear-marked for the dentist.  But if I can tweak my budget and afford to join a health fund, I could do this instead.  Perhaps forego the cleaner (won’t Danielle be pleased!) or try to spend less on food, particularly mineral water @ $15 per fortnight.  I will revise my budget and investigate health funds with no waiting period for dentist.  In April, I will have $56 per fortnight extra, so then would be a good time to join a health fund and I can save up the rest to repay Aafke back $400(?)

So to recap my financial situation for the next 2 – 8 years: On Dec 23 get an advance from Centrelink of $500 to start saving towards long-term goals.  $100 per fortnight gets saved for short-term goals ie. car service (Jan – Mar 2012).  In April, join health fund,  and start saving up to repay Aafke $400 (?) with $56 extra per fortnight.  Include this deduction in your fortnightly budget through internet banking.  Also in April, after car has been serviced, apply to Currumbin Sanctuary/Alma Park Zoo/Australia Zoo to start voluntary work requiring $100 per week for travel/ accommodation expenses.  Continue to pay credit card off @ $50 per fortnight and when Aafke has been repaid, increase credit card repayment per fortnight.  When car loan has been repaid in Mar 2013, make extra contributions of $125 per fortnight to credit card until it has been repaid.  After this save $125 towards long-term goals (Taronga/Africa) while continuing to save Centrelink advances of $500 – $1000 towards long-term goals until you save $6000 ($500 x 12) -$22 000 ($125 x 5 x 26) from 2012 – 2017.

So now I have a plan! I should make these changes in my life slowly (slowly) over the next 6 -8 years, so that I don’t cause myself any stress.  Once I have saved the money I will either move to Sydney temporarily for 2 years while I complete the zookeeping course at Taronga and also travel to Africa hopefully with Kylee, on an overland expedition to see the mountain gorillas and the Serengeti and to volunteer in a chimp sanctuary.  I should see my Doctor’s regularly so that they can vouch for my health when the time comes to apply for volunteering in a chimp sanctuary in Africa.  Both the psychiatrist and the GP as back up.  If I don’t get into the Taronga zookeeping course I will go to Plan B and apply to other zoos/wildlife sanctuaries for voluntary work to meet the requirement of 2 days/20 hours per week so that I meet the entry requirements for the Certificate III in Captive Animal Management @ Richmond or Coffs Harbour TAFE.  So, one way or another in 6 – 8 years time I will be moving out to follow my dream.  In the time it will take me to save up for my long-term goals, from 2012 – 2017 (6 years) I will be able to complete my Bachelor of Environmental Science in the required 8 years by 2018.

I am so exited that I am not living in limbo anymore.  I have a plan, a life purpose and a change in attitude.  I also have 6 – 8 years to reduce my weight to 80 kgs and to learn to manage my health by gradually taking on more potentially stressful activities, such as voluntary work at a zoo/ wildlife sanctuary or multiple subjects at uni.  I feel so much more positive, now that I don’t feel so trapped by my illness.  I am going to work within my limitations/capabilities to achieve my goals and realise my dream.

In one sense it’s wonderful not to have anything to do except study.  I can relax and don’t have anything to stress over.  On the other hand I find boredom leads to lethargy and apathy, my old enemies and I find myself going stir crazy.  I’m glad I have fixed my computer – bought a manual mouse because the computer kept freezing up.  Now I can start revising my Ecology lectures, reading my textbook and doing the practice quizz(es).  I am generally feeling better about myself, having lost 3 kg.  My healthy eating & exercise program is working!  I had fish & chips last night for dinner.  I could make more of an effort to eat only healthy foods – buy a salad from Goanna Bakery or cook chick pea (& eggplant) curry or salad & salmon – rather than put all those hard-lost kilos back on.  I should stop drinking so much mineral water & lime juice as well.  I should just have this for happy hour once a day and drink water the rest of the time.

I have found some nice furniture that is relatively cheap and can be laybyed.  But I don’t know when I will be able to afford new furniture.  I would like a coffee table and a TV cabinet.  I also need to get the TV connected ($350).  I really need to pay my credit card off ($2500).  I think I should pay some off it every pay and not put anything else on it.  Then keep it to use only in a pet emergency.  Maybe I should get pet insurance and health insurance (dentist)? If I cancelled the cleaner ($45 every 3 weeks) that would probably cover both of these expenses.  I spend so much time angsting over money.  I am now spending an extra $45 every 3 weeks on a protein shake for breakfast.  I will do my budget:

Car Repayment – $125

Rent – $66.50

St George – $56 (until April 1)

Car Ins – $23.50

Internet – $10

Phone – $7.50

Gas – $4

Chemist – $50

Dog Food – $65

Food & Fuel – $150

Credit Card – $50

Save – $100

_____________

TOTAL  $737.50

That leaves $17.50 per fortnight remaining for health insurance and pet insurance.  Then I will be penniless every fortnight.  Perhaps it would be better to leave this money aside? I have got enough to cover basics including the cleaning, but I still don’t pay enough rent or for dinner.  Once I pay off the car loan in 2013, I will have an extra $125 per fortnight.  Until then I will have to cope.

I am really at a loss to know what to do with myself.  I haven’t studied for over a week and I must be getting behind in French.  I imagine a life free from the burden and pressure of study, but I really don’t know what else to do.  I don’t seem to want to read.  I don’t understand this because all my books are about primates and I should be able to get absorbed in them.  I think the problem is they are a reminder of a life not lived for me.  I don’t give myself permission to sit around and read because I feel I should be doing something active or looking for a job.  I can’t accept that my life is a life on the pension.  I have endless free time and I need to implement measures to deal with all this free time.  I am pathetically reliant on mum to take the dogs for a walk.  I should be able to take the dogs for a walk on my own.  I should be able to allocate time to read, time to study and I should be able to motivate myself to take the dogs for a walk every afternoon.  I was starting to enjoy taking them for a walk.  It’s my mindset that is the problem.  I dwell on the negative side of life – the glass half empty.  I need to find ways to motivate myself to find things to do.  Other people, like Dad & Danielle seem to manage to occupy themselves.  There must be a way.

I must manage my money better.  I need to allocate enough money for my protein shake and 2 weeks worth of tuna & salad for lunch.  I need to do a shopping list and add up what it costs per fortnight.  This directly affects my mood and how much energy I have available for exercise. I don’t know whether I can continue to pay a cleaner to clean my house.  I should do it myself.  It has been nice taking the pressure off myself though.  I don’t really have anything to do except study.  I think about designing a timetable but I already know what I need to do each day.  I have  learnt to accept that I sleep in each day and don’t get up until 1.00pm or 2.00pm.  I take my medication in the morning and then have a protein shake for breakfast.  Then study.  Then lunch.  Then walk the dogs.  Then dinner & TV.  I must get into a routine.  Stop making excuses not to take the dogs for a walk.  When mum doesn’t come with you, you can take them down to the dog park.  I must get more active.  Plan the day ahead as above. Get into the habit of studying and walking.  There’s no other way through.

I need to take action – start studying and start walking the dogs, with or without mum.  It would be so much better than sitting around doing nothing and getting depressed.  I will start studying French again and do my next assignment.  Then I will start studying for my Ecology exam on Friday January 27, 2012.  I need to listen to all the lectures again.  I need to read the last few chapters of the textbook .  I need to do the practice exam(s).  I need to get into a routine again.  I must not give in to the constant lethargy and apathy I feel.  I must make a daily plan and stick to it.  Walking will help my mood and keep my depression in check.  I must take this health precaution seriously.  I also need to eat to give me energy to exercise.  The protein shake is a good way to start my metabolism each day.  Tuna salad for lunch.  I must budget for breakfast and lunch each day.  I am so tired of going on about healthy eating and exercise.  I just need to do it!

I have just taken the dogs for a walk and I feel so much better – full of energy and less depressed.  I really must make walking an integral part of my day.  Just as I have mastered the healthy eating, I need to put in place healthy exercise habits that will help me to lose weight and help me to feel happier.  I really do feel so much better.  This is how I can combat the lethargy and apathy – with a healthy diet and daily exercise.  The dogs enjoy it aswell.