The Pleasure Principle

I am still struggling with weight loss and suffering from debilitating bouts of depression.  I have been looking to exercise to give my life direction and purpose, but this just results in me being on my case all the time.  I can never relax, I am always trying to motivate myself to exercise or do something active to distract myself from my depression.  I tried to enact the timetable I devised for myself – Tuesday,  I went for a swim and really enjoyed myself, Wednesday, I did a circuit (without much effort) and had a session in the massage chair. Thursday, I had appointments and Friday, I did nothing except stay at home and read.  I am developing a pathological desire to stay at home and never go anywhere or do anything.  I enquired about horse riding lessons and booked one for this Sunday, only to ring back and cancel it because I was too stressed about it.  I am starting to despair about my life and wonder what will become of me?

I had my first counselling session.  The counsellor focused on my childhood and tried to get me to remember my life from age 5 -8 years old.  This seemed really irrelevant to me, as I am consumed with my current problems centring around my mental illness – the lack of meaning in my life and inability to find fulfilling work, my social isolation and lack of supportive friends, the burden of so much time on my hands and my inability to introduce structure and discipline into my life.  It is these issues I need to address in my next 5 sessions.  Perhaps I need to be less didactic in my approach to regimenting my life – choose to do activities for their sheer enjoyment or pleasure value?  Give myself permission to sit and read a book for pleasure.  Go for a swim to cool off and be refreshed, not only to do laps.  Enjoy eating your favourite healthy foods.  Enjoy spending time with the dogs.  Keep in touch with family & friends – write a letter to Mishele… There must be so many small ways you can find to enjoy yourself each day, instead of being down on yourself all the time.

I have a beautiful air-conditioned studio in which to live and escape from the heat.  I really want to learn to enjoy reading.  I think it is the key to managing my depression.  I have all these books available here, which I have collected over the years, most of which I have not read.  I think I need to shift the focus of my life from exercise to reading.  I still intend to include walking and swimming in my daily activities, but I’m not sure that being so obsessive about my eating & exercise plan is conducive to weight loss.  I need to find a balance of study/reading and exercise/housework.  I need to stop striving all the time, trying to push myself to achieve things I don’t necessarily want to do.  It seems that for so much of the population, this is what life is about.  I am in the fortunate position to be able to choose how I spend my time.  I don’t need to work, so I should stop feeling guilty and lamenting about not having a job and instead find ways of spending my time enjoyably.    Ask yourself: ‘What do I feel like doing right now?’ Get into the habit of doing things because you enjoy doing them, not because you feel you have to appease your internal dictator.

The same applies to study – Don’t make it some torturous exercise that you dread.  Don’t tell yourself it is too difficult and talk yourself into failing and withdrawing again.  Take an interest in what you are studying – Biology & Global Environmental Issues.  Prepare yourself by attending the Academic Skills Workshops.  Print all your materials – Unit Information Guide & Study Guide.  Start reading the text & note taking as soon as possible.    Start preparing for exams from the first week.  Revise your notes regularly.  Get help from tutors.  The problem of what to do with all your time will soon become redundant.  The issue of taking care of your health will become simpler when your life focus changes to studying.  Exercise will then become a secondary concern, something to fit into your timetable around your study times.  With this change in attitude my daily life should become more meaningful and more pleasurable.

Taking An Interest in Things: A Weekly Timetable

I have been getting better at finding things to do with my time.  I find the weekends particularly challenging in terms of finding ways to occupy myself – today I made a cheesecake and yesterday I went for a walk with the dogs.  I need to keep a list of jobs to do, so that I don’t get stuck with nothing to do.  The list so far includes: washing & vacuuming the car… I also need to keep up with the housework.  It is so easy to let it slide and to allow my living environment to deteriorate into mess, filth and squalor.  The floors need sweeping daily and vacuuming & mopping regularly.  Kitchen benches and cupboard doors need wiping down and bathroom needs cleaning & mopping regularly.  Aswell as this washing needs to be kept up with and so does weeding the garden.  When you include housework, it is staggering how much there is to do really!

I have an appointment to see my new counsellor this week.  It is difficult to know where to start.  I suppose I need to explain the conditions surrounding my depression – the burden of so much time on my hands; my inability to find fulfilling work/my dream of working with animals in a zoo/wildlife sanctuary; the burden of my mental illness, my loss of reputation in the workplace and voluntary work situations and my consequent social avoidance/isolation; my financial & emotional dependence on mum.  I need to explain that in the past my depression has been so debilitating that I have taken to my bed for years at a time and have remained unreachable.  I have tried many times to study at uni, but have never been able to follow through with my studies. I have, however been successful in my studies at TAFE, completing a Certificate II in Animal Studies, in conjunction with my employment as a stablehand 8 hours a week.  More recently, I have completed a Certificate in Business at TAFE, even though I was not able to complete the typing requirement for a Certificate of Business Administration.  I have enrolled in a Bachelor of Environmental Science this year @ SCU.

I would like some help in gaining some independence in my life.  I seem to rely on mum a lot for my entertainment and don’t seem to be able to go places on my own.  I find it difficult to motivate myself to walk the dogs or go to the pool for a swim on my own.  I constantly get annoyed with mum when she says she is too busy to come and then I get disappointed and feel guilty about not doing exercise.  I give myself endless ultimatums – ‘You need to do exercise, housework, reading & studying’, but I am not really able to keep myself occupied most of the time and find myself dreading all the free time at my disposal and being bored & depressed.  I have a lot of interesting books I have collected over the years, yet I find I am unable to give myself permission to read them and use them as a resource to alleviate the boredom & depression.  The same goes for videos and wildlife documentaries.  I can’t afford PAY-TV, but I can borrow books and wildlife documentaries from the library. 

Perhaps I do need to draw myself up a weekly timetable with activities to keep myself busy: walking dogs, swimming, going to the library, going to Healthy Inspirations, reading, watching videos/wildlife documentaries, cooking, STUDYING…Once I have more to do with my time, I can look at getting up earlier to accommodate these activities.  I will need to start studying earlier, so there is time for exercise.  I feel better already – just considering all these activities.  I can still make animals (and learning about them) the focus of my life.  I just need to make an effort and ‘Take an interest in things!’

Unearthing Questions: Revisited

1. What values are important to you, so important that you can’t imagine your life without them?

Love of Animals – I love my dogs (and have recently decided to give away my horse) and I cannot imagine daily life without their companionship.  I also fell a deep calling to help free animals from suffering and help save them from extinction. I intend to develop my writing skills to address these concerns through my writing.  I would also like to research the field of Primatology and complete units in Environmental Science at uni, including Wildlife Conservation & Global Environmental Issues.  

Quest for meaningful/fulfilling work – wheras previously my efforts to establish a career were relentlessly focused on zookeeping. I have devoted the last 10 years to volunteer zookeeping, wildlife caring, veterinary nursing in an attempt to secure employment in this field. I now have reenvisioned my life and decided to explore freelance writing/ photography/media production as a career.  I have honoured the outcomes of my life coaching process/innerwork by deciding to commit to completing the Bachelor of Media degree over the next few years and making the necessary changes/adjustments in my life in order to succeed.  I would also like to establish a daily writing practice and allow some time/space for spiritual development, through animal medicine card/Sacred Path card readings.

Dream of travelling to Africa to see the Mountain Gorillas, The Serengeti and to volunteer in a chimpanzee sanctuary.  This is my most cherished wish and I spend much of my free time researching possible placements/preparing for such a journey. To travel to Africa I need to: find a way to earn extra income so that I can save enough money for the trip and to find a way to keep my health condition contained (stay well) so that I am well enough to go. Healthwise, a period of stability for 3 years would be required before it would be safe for me to go.

Learning to manage my (mental & physical) health and overcome my depressive tendancies that keep me stuck.  I need take an active approach to managing my mental health condition.  I try to be constantly engaged in activity to avoid surcumbing to depression.  Planning daily activities and following a daily routine helps to achieve this. I manage my physical health by maintaining a healthy eating plan and regular exercise that helps me to lose weight.

Establishing financial stability and learning to live within my means. To reduce the stress in my life caused by financial difficulty, I need to establish a budget with a built in savings plan (and STICK TO IT!) to allow me to realise my long-term goals & travel plans.

2. What have you done that you are really proud of?

• Established a good work record over the last one & a half years caring for Arabain horses. By focusing on work, I was gradually able to overcome my lethargy/ apathy/negativity. I am proud of having owned my own horse and the skills & experience I have learnt over the years by working with horses.
• Completing my Certificate II in Animal Studies @ TAFE.  Over the years, I have attempted many uni & TAFE courses, but I have never been able to complete them.  This course was the pre-requisite course to Certificate III in Captive Animals (Zookeeping).
• Weight Loss – lost 35kg since I started my eating/exercise plan.  I am hoping to lose more weight by maintaining this eating plan and exercising regularly.  My goal weight is 80kg. 

3. What motivates you?

 Motivation is a core issue in my struggle to overcome depression and manage my mental health condition.  I find it difficult to find the motivation to get out of bed each day, sleeping in until after midday on most days.  I am giving into the lethargy/negativity/apathy and by not intervening I am recreating each day over and over again.   By doing nothing – nothing will change.  How can I enrich my day? Perhaps my study may be an effective motivator?  There is a lack of intrinsic motivation in my life.  I rely too much on others to motivate me and find it difficult to initiate activities/projects on my own.  This indicates a mindset of ‘learned helplessness’, a compulsive attitude of ‘giving up’.  In the same way I re-educated myself and learned new eating and exercise habits, I need to learn new ways to motivate myself and enrich my life.  I need to cultivate a soulful life, develop a deep engagement with the self and my chosen pastimes.  These activities need to bring a spirit of joy/liveliness to my everyday reality:- Reading for pleasure and for professional development such as Jane Goodall’s books; research Primatology and complete online study course in Primate Behaviour; What other ways are there to meaningfully engage with life?

 4. What must you achieve in this lifetime for you to know that you have lived well and are satisfied with your life?

 Previously I dreamed of living contentedly on a rare farmlet and caring for all my animals, including my dog and my horse.  Now that I have moved into a self-contained studio and given up my horse, I feel I have lost my bearings.  My sole focus in life was trying to become a zookeeper.  There is a lot of grief and confusion about putting the old dream to rest.  It feels like I have buried this dream and am now trying to revive it by writing about animals.  I need to put the same energy & enthusiasm into my new vision.

 I would like to embrace a quiet, simple contemplative life, engaged in meaningful activities such as reading, writing, photography, craft, spiritual development…  My new home provides financial stability and allows mental/emotional equilibrium, a solid foundation on which to build my new lifestyle.  I am also committed to caring for my mother in her senior years.  This is a promise I have made to her and I need to factor this living arrangement into my future plans.  Our new home provides the perfect base from which we can both lead semi-independent lives.

 I would also like to earn some extra income through freelance writing so that I can afford to travel to Africa.  My most cherished wish is to travel back to Africa to see the mountain gorillas, The Serengeti and volunteering in a chimpanzee sanctuary.  I am going to put my energy & enthusiasm into developing the skills I need to succeed in a freelance writing/photography career and to commit to completing my degree.  I am also going to put a financial plan/budget in place and start saving towards my long-term goal.

 5. What are your spiritual beliefs?

 My spiritual beliefs are based on a reverence for animals. I have an affinity with The Native American Indian culture/belief system.  I would like to use my life to make a unique contribution, by helping to: alleviate suffering in (captive) animals, prevent the extinction of endangered species, preserve & protect animal life on the planet.

 I would like to devote some time each day to spiritual development by practicing animal card/Sacred Path Card readings.

 6. What do you rely on when you have no supports and you need to get through a situation?

 I suppose I rely on myself most of the time, as I have so few supports in my life.  I rely on mum a lot of the time for companionship, but I cannot really talk to her about my problems.  She has lost the ability to listen and engage meaningfully in deep conversation.  I crave for deep communication – my soul is yearning to be heard.  It’s so difficult internalising everything all the time.  Louise commented yesterday that I need to get out of my head and out there getting involved in life doing activities – learning about the chimps etc.  I need a creative outlet, something more than my daily journal scribblings.  I need to connect with another human being.  There is a limit to how much I can sleep and lie on the bed trying to while the time away.  I am going to have to come up with a daily structure that keeps me off the bed and getting ‘out there’.  Daily activities: 

Time	Daily Activities
10.00 – 10.15am	BREAKFAST
10.15 – 11.30am	Daily Reading: Earth Medicine, Soulcraft, EcoPsychology, Dancing The Dream
11.30 – 12.00pm	Spiritual Development: Animal Card Reading
12.00 – 1.00pm	Daily Writing Practice: Morning Pages (Blog)
1.00 – 1.30pm	LUNCH
1.30 – 3.30pm	Study: EthnoPrimatology Course
3.30 – 4.30pm	Reading: Professional Development – primate literature
4.30 – 5.30pm	Walk Dogs
5.30 – 6.30am	Happy Hour
6.30 – 7.30pm	Cook/DINNER/TV (news)
8.00 – 9.00pm	Phone Calls
9.00 – 10.00pm	Reading: Pleasure

 Now I have a clear plan mapped out for the day – all I need to do is GET UP AND STICK TO IT!!! I need to be hard on myself and insist on getting out of bed.  Either Get Up and WALK or Have a shower and get dressed, then WALK – do something to get the serotonin going. Be Active.  Take A Stance – I need to develop a persona that re-parents myself and takes responsibility for my health & well-being.  I need to kindly, but firmly direct/supervise myself in my chosen daily activities.  Give myself permission to enjoy myself reading, or whatever I am doing. And keep going.  Don’t give up so easily.  Try and sustain the activity for the prescribed time. Stay Active…

 7.      What are some of your best qualities?

 I would like to think of some personal qualities that are going to help motivate myself to overcome depression and take action against the lethargy, negativity and apathy…

 I want to develop my skills in self-motivation, effectively motivating myself to exercise, study, read, etc.  I want to be my own life coach and develop self-coaching skills.

 I have an aptitude for writing and need to develop my writing skills through my blog & my university studies.  I would also like to increase my general knowledge of animals, particularly Primate Biology, Conservation & Behaviour.  I can do this by reading Primate Literature and completing the Online Primate Behaviour Course.

 8.      Where do you get stuck?

Unable to motivate myself – perhaps trying to punish myself, express my self hatred by not engaging in anything, refusing to cooperate – a bit like going on strike.  It is also a form of Sabotague.  Usually this takes the form of doubting my self & undermining my ability to cope.  Gradually any semblance of self-confidence erodes away and I am left feeling useless and empty.  My mental illness is like a self fulfilling prophecy – I can’t manage anything so I am left doing nothing.

 9.      How are you about doing what you say you are going to do?

 Eg. Getting up earlier

 

10.  How do you celebrate your accomplishments?

 

11.  What makes your heart sing?

 

Watching inspiring zoo footage of baby animals on the news. I find watching nature/wildlife documentaries very inspiring.  Going to the zoo and watching the keepers interact with the animals.

  12. If there were a secret passion in your life, something that is almost too exciting to do or do more of, what would it be?

 Horseriding.  Living in a cabin in the woods with animals.  Living a simple life, with simple pleasures in nature.